It hurts...facing radical changes in my life.

church
the thing i fear most - commitment... i am in no way more qualified or wise than them. am struggling with my personal stuff too, but then because i see the room for improvement, i want to make the change. so difficult, to love others unlovable, to move people unmovable. but must keep my focus, it is not my duty to move them... it is God's pleasure and God moves mountains, what else can't he move...

so sick of hearing complaints - isn't it ironic that those who complain about things being bad never get their butts to make things improve? and at a time i needed encouragement the most, my dearest just doesn't seem to know what to do. i'm probably looking to the wrong source - he said 'there's going to be more to come... this is only the beginning'. that was when i broke down, i hung up on him. i guess i just need someone to tell me, i can do it. well anyway, after he made up for it, and made some effort at encouraging me... but different people take to different forms of encouragement diferently - his method, well, it worked on me, only a bit.. i tend to b too emotionally involved in things i do... at wk, i trust people too much, was too truthful and forgot to protect myself, never acted mature enough.

being too emotionally involved... is probably why i hate commitments... so tiring, to have something on your mind every minute u're conscious... but "if this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen." - Jerry Maguire. i'm going to push thru with this.

Career
making a career change isn't easy, i'm as fearful as those around me, what's going to happen if the wedding planner idea flops? am i being irresponsible to pursue my dreams and make others around me pay for my stuff when i become broke? it's a choice i guess... i just took loved ones' support (emotional and financial) for granted, now i know... i can't. the rich little gal born with a silver spoon, now must learn to survive... yea, whatever - i'll live on...